April 10, 2004

More on sex and changes
by Liza Sabater

First, some tweaks to the blog.

I'm adding SEX as a new category to the blog thanks to Carnival of Carnality : Sex and Blogs. Sex is one of those things that nobody wants to acknowledge as a potential fiasco after having kids. It's one of those myths that need to be explored and deconstructed and I am more than happy to oblige.

The second tweak is to create new posts about the comments left on old posts. I have no idea how many people are subscribed to the c u l t u r e k i t c h e n's Full XML Feed with Comments. So to keep people updated on my comments to old posts, I'll create new ones.

That said, let's go to the sex.

DaGoddess dropped by to say:

I think I was about 34 when everything kicked into overdrive. Hysterectomy over and done, hormones consistently, and comfort in my own skin...somehow the heat factor went through the roof and I haven't looked back since. It happens.And when it does, there's no looking back. Enjoy it while it lasts, make the most of it.

I think mine is going to stay constant well into my forties for the only reason that I lost so much Astroglide time; especially after having my second son (he just turned 4). I was 1/4 inch away from 4th degree tears and had to contend for 2 years with not only post-partum depression but also newly developed food allergies.

In other words, I was in complete body meltdown up until last year.

Changing my diet and homeopathy saved me from becoming a female eunuch. It made me realize that pregnancy, birthing, breastfeeding and motherhood in general are not social constructs. They are very big physiological changes that cannot be simply medicalized or dismissed as basic biology. As my dentist said, pregnancy is traumatic. Some parts of the body, like your teeth, treat pregnancy as a radical change in physiology --as radical as having cancer. That's why some women not only have bleeding gums but loose teeth when pregnant.

The same goes with life in a body after birth.

I have always been fascinated with forensic paleontology. By the markings of a hip bone a forensic paleontologist can figure out not only if the bone was of a female but whether she bore any children at all. If this is the case with bones that are thousands of years old, how can we walk around pretending that our bodies are the same not just after having children but at any and all stages of life?

I cannot impress how important this is because it bears a lot on our sexual culture and the expections that not only others have of you (spouse, friends, family); but the expectations that women have of themselves. I sure did have seriously unreal expectations. Like kids who would sleep all through the night. Or that I could easily read catch up with my philosophy reading: A little Kant here, a little Leibnitz there, a good measure of Nietzsche and a dollop of Deleuze with some Derrida on top. I couldn't even read the newspapers and make sense of them, I was going to catch up on my philosophy research!

So I think it's important to acknowledge that, yes, even though there is sex after birth, there can be a lot of other stuff that can actually hinder it.

For example, when Dawn raves:

Glad to know that I have something to look forward to after the sleepless nights and temper tantrums: hot SEX!!

It's good to remember that sleep makes a huge difference! Waking up 2, 3, 4 times a night, heck even once, can throw your sex engines out of whack.

In my case, it has nothing to do with the amount of hours I sleep but whether I can sleep 4, 5, 6 hours straight. I should have the posting times on my blogs. Right now it's early for me : 12:22 am. I'm a night owl and would live happily if I could work all night and sleep half of the day. Alas, 8:30 - 9:00 is my wake up call after going to sleep at 3:00 or sometimes 4:00 o'clock in the morning. That's life with kids --good thing we homeschool.

My kids' biorhythms are completely different from mine, especially my oldest. Evan, even at 8 months in utero, would kick me awake at the crack of dawn. Now that he is older and knows how ugly a wrathful, sleep-deprived mommy looks like, he just wakes up and goes about his business. The child still, to this day, wakes up before everybody else. It's creepy.

Liz dropped by and has left the most interesting of observations:

Lately I've been noticing a cultural tension between....

/feeding all appetites is good/ and /discipline requires sacrifice/

On the feeding side is the flooding messages of have this, feel this, eat this...that is consumer culture (and sex is just another good to consume)

on the sacrifice side is the yearning for heroes (who refrain from satisfying appetites in order to be heroic)...I don't know where I am going with this, but I think we are at a hinge point, culturally. For my daughter's sake I hope it isn't a "angel in the home" direction we are goin.

This is an interesting thought for the reason that nourishment --for the body or for the soul-- once commercialized becomes a good, a product. As a product nourishment is then measured. Too much, you're binging. Too little, you're dieting. It becomes an symbol of righteousness or a tool for debauchery. This can be with anything : food, religion, sex. It's the imposition of "standard measures" that tarnishes the idea of nourishment with the patina of consumption.

Some people need to eat beets every day. Some people only once in a while. Others never. We do not enforce standard values of beet consumption on everybody, why impose it with sex? Some people need it early on. Some do not discover its wonders well into adulthood. Some need it a little bit at a time, whereas other need it a lot. What is a bit? What is a lot? Who are we to say that our standards are the right way to measure?

Of all places, I once heard on Hercules: The Legendary Journeys an interesting take on being a hero : A hero is always afraid. The difference between him and another man is that his fear does not stop him.

I think that there is more than AIDS to fear when it comes to sex. I think what stops most people is their fears of not being good enough. That and the thought of surrendering, even for a moment, to the enchantment (or possession) of another person's desire of their own.

Posted by Liza Sabater in Culture, Health, Homeopathy, Life, Parenting, Sex
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Found inApril 23, 2004 01:26 AM

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