April 13, 2005

Cursing the Skype
by Liza Sabater

I don't care if you are calling from Pakistan.
I don't care if you are a Mexican trapped in Ireland.
I don't care if your Lebanese cousin is called Charlie.

I just don't want to be your friend.

So please, don't Skype me.

Cold calling me to ask if I will be your friend is just creepy in a non-sexy way.

Nothing against you; but I'm really shallow. I unfortunately do not have the depth of character nor the goodness of soul to pull a ponderous look at intimacy a la John Perry Barlow. He can buy spiritually with just one of the songs he duded for the Dead. I sometimes can't even buy myself a vowel.

So please, seriously, try aurally molesting someone else.

If I'm going to get freaky with a creepy guy, might as well be one I already fancy. Or at least find hysterically funny, like my favorite Drunken Stepfather.

So unless you are Viggo Mortensen, or Benicio del Toro, please don't bother. Really. I am not asking you to sound or look like them. La negra does not do generics. Nope. Just give me the real thing.

Now, in case you were wondering, the Danish gaucho here to the left, Mr. Mortensen, is the creepy kind of chameleon actor me likes. Please pass the chimichurri. He never has looked the same in any of the movies he's made. That face is made out of silly putty. Which is why he is creepy in a "what's-he-going-to-look-like-next" sort of way. What's most disturbing about him? No matter what angle you shoot him he just looks F.I.N.E. ¿Cómo puñeta es posible! Even in the greatness of my divaness I look like a cow but from one side.

Benicio del Toro is the guy with the bad boricuatude here to the right. Shoutout to my mom : He's also a San Germeño. He's the guy that looks exactly the same in every fucking movie he has made. He's got that creepy emotionally disturbed Ché-like macho latino thing going for him. He's got a creepy "ooh what new emotional roller coaster is he coming out with" that unfortunately la negra likes. The kind of thing that only women who have been with Puerto Rican men can understand how addictive it can be. Sigh. Very addictive.

So horny, creepy men of the world : Nothing personal, but if you are not one of these two guys, a h e m, FUCK OFF.

Of course, if I do know you, please proceed to call and gab away. Gossip is always most welcomed. And money. Compliments and chocolates too. Did I say money?

Skyping out!

Posted by Liza Sabater in Benicio del Toro, Communities, Computers, Hollywood, Humor, Internet, Privacy, Puerto Rico, Social Networks, Spamology, Technology, Viggo Mortensen
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