April 26, 2005

Mothers Who Like to Fuck : Yep. I'm one of them
by Liza Sabater

My friend, Rachel Kramer Bussel's new column is up village voice > people >Mothers Who Like to Fuck : Lusty moms share their sex secrets—the good, the bad, and the horny . For those who don't know, I get to hang out with the coolest editor Penthouse has ever had who happens to be also a total cupcake slut.

Mmmm, cupcakes... Oh, I digress.

She asked me a few months back to answer some questions for this column she was writing about sex after birth. A topic, dear to my heart, I fired away a lengthy email about the subject. There are great quotes from the likes of Dr. Victoria Zdrok (sexysexpert.com), Elise Miller and Susie Bright, but here are the quotes that matter :

On the real meaning of sexual workout:

My friend Liza Sabater (culturekitchen.com) has had similar bodily woes. "The sensation in my nipples was literally gone for about five years," she confides, but with diligence and dedication she's gained a new erotic outlook. "I had to learn how to have sex again, to literally work my vagina in different ways to get those muscles back in shape. It was an opportunity to become more aware of what brings me sexual pleasure."

On how multiple orgasms are more nurture than nature:

For moms struggling with their new roles, there is hope. Sabater's early dry spell has given way to a sexual free-for-all. "Now I'm hornier than ever," says the mother of two. "I've worked hard to get my body back into sexual health, and it's paid off. My orgasms are 10 times more intense than before, and I've found the key to opening my body to multiple orgasms. All it really takes is practice. Once I was done nursing, one day I just woke up and fucked the brains out of my husband."

Is that all I told Rachel about my post-birthing sexual healing? Of course not silly! Read the rest in Thereismoresville :

What surprised you most about your body/sex life after giving birth?
How things just did not snap back into place.

With my first son, I had a c-section. I've heard that with a cesarian, they cut you through 7 layers of muscle before getting to the uterus. I freaked out because my ob/gyn had horrid communications skills and never told me that I'd lose sensation in my stomach. Not only did I lose sensation on my stomach, but the poor thing just dangled, limply, on top of my body. It's been over 7 years I had that child and those muscles just refuse to go back to where they belong.

Then there's the nipples. I'm a nipple kind of girl but nursing just effed-up the sensitivity off my nipples. Think of it as nature saying : "These nipples are the baby's. No lustmonnkeying around with them for now." The sensation in my nipples was literally gone for about 5 years.

Then, there is the horror of tearing. My second son was a vaginal birth after cesarian. Quite an achievement in a medical culture aggressively invasive with anything involving birth. Everything was going OK, unfortunately, you never EVER are prepared for how the baby decides to come out. My son was too busy taking a nap and most displeased, to say the least, to be bothered with being born. So the guy, you know, just decided to not reajust himself appropriately and basically tore my vagina to shreds with his elbow. Post-labor tearing is usually rated from 1 (mildest) to 4 (all the way into the anus). My tears where not 4th degree ones by about a 1/4 of an inch of skin.

If there is ever such a concept, I had to learn how to have sex again. Had to literally work my vagina out in different ways to get those muscles back into shape. I also had to be more conscious about my body and my erogenous zones. It was an opportunity to become more aware of what brings me sexual pleasure. It was rough and I became a bit depressed --and depression is another very physical condition that also supressed my libido.

What do you wish you'd known about sex after having your baby?
I was not at all prepared for how much stress. For an insomniac, the extra lack of sleep can be brutal ---doubly brutal with a colicy child. Lack of sleep seriously inhibits your libido.

I wish, though, I had known about homeopathy the first time I had a baby. With my second child, I found a fantastic family doctor here in NYC who is also a homeopath. With classical homeopathy and changes in my diet, I was able to get back into health ... and by extension, sex again.

Can you describe how your libido/sex life has changed since you've had your child?

Well, now I'm hornier than ever. As hard as childbirth can be, once I was done with nursing and all that, one day I just woke up and fucked the brains out of my husband. It was most satisfying. Paul Reiser (the stand up comedian and star of "Mad about You") wrote a brilliant book, Babyhood. Everything in that book is accurate; so accurate, it's a must read for anybody thinking about having babies. Go straight to the chapter about sex, "Elephants Never Forget":

"Wow"
"What"
"Is he still sleeping?"
"Yeah ... oh my God ... he slep through the night.."
"That means we slept through the night."
"Geez ... I feel terrific."
"Me, too ... Hey--"
"What?"
"You're attractive. I forgot."
"You're not so bad yourself"
"There's no reason we couldn't have sex here."
"None at all"
"How much time do you think we have?"
"I don't know ---go."

It all came together. We were all sleeping through the night with no interruptions; my health was back in shape with homeopathy; my vagina muscles were getting stronger and stronger each day and my nipple-sensation came back after years of being numbed by nursing.

So one day I woke up and wanted to fuck as opposed to have sex. That's the day I knew my sexual healing was complete :)

What's the best thing about your sex life post-baby and the worst thing about it?
I've worked so hard to get my body back into sexual health that I might as well count all those hours as part of my daily aerobic and strenght training. My orgasms are 10 times more intense than before. I also have found the key to opening my body to the wonder of multiple orgasms. It all really takes practice.

What's the worst part? Time management. It's so easy to just get one more thing done --for the kids, the home, the family, the job-- that sex can and will become secondary.

If applicable - how has your partner's sexuality/sex drive/sexual interests been affected by you being a mother?
About the same. He is hornier also. More affectionate as well. Not having time to actually bang my brains out --and he knows how much I love that-- he spends more time trying to 'canoodle' the heck out of me. And he knows I hate it because I'm such a cheap date to canoodle with. I was a Catholic school girl after all. So it becomes a game of cat and mouse --and keeps the sexual tension alive. Because there is something to be said about not knowing when you're going to jump someone's bones --even after having lived with them for almost 20 years. So he does little things to me throughout the day, to remind me of what's coming to me. Heh.

* Eons ago, when I first started doing yoga, I studied (and practiced) a lot of the poses of the Kama Sutra. I am definitely getting The Bedside Kama Sutra. First, because I so want to do that pose on the book (I am sure I can without checking it out). Second, because any abridged version of the KM is fine by... especially if there are lots of pictures. Mmmmm... pictures.

* I owe Kate Figes a review for her book, Life After Birth. It was the one source that told me, "It's OK, everything will be alright"; and one of the reasons I went to work against my writer's block. I had no one to turn with all the questions I had and she somehow answered them all. Life after birth. Sex after birth. Beauty after birth. Professional after birth. Self-worth after birth. It's a must read.

Posted by Liza Sabater in Domesticity, Entertainment, Health, Humor, Motherhood, Newspapers, Sex
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c u l t u r e k i t c h e n: Mothers Who Like to F!ck : Yep. I'm one of them honest reflections on sex after childbirth... warning, NSFW, avoid if you have an aversion to honest sexuality... ;) (tags: sex postpartum) BOO! to HBO Family: HBO Storybook ... [More...]

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