May 25, 2005

Terror Level Purple (and Throbbing)
by Jeff Langstraat

This is too good to pass up:

Plastic molded in the shape of a penis and wrapped in duct tape was the suspicious object that jammed traffic Monday on Interstate 75 and Daniels Parkway, according to the Lee County Sheriff's Office.

Duct Tape?! OW! That would make a mighty uncomfortable Brazilian.

It appears that whoever left the proto-dildo on the highway left a message. They wrote "Happy Fathers Day" on it. I'm not sure what to make of that at all. Could it be a desperate housewife creating a toy because her husband isn't pleasing her, then ditching the evidence on her way to pick him up at the airport? No, that's not it.

I've got it! It's obviously an Al-Gayda operative. Margaret Cho first alerted me to this group. For some reason, I wasn't on the email list. Whichever queen left me off is gonna catch hell from me. I do not pay membership dues to be left out, dammit. It's bad enough that the little queens working at Banana Republic look at me like I'm not gay enough to be shopping there. They gotta at least keep me informed of ongoing campaigns.

Now, if Florida had been as prepared as Texas, they could have stopped this problem earlier. But, as usual, Forida can't get it's act together, which provides a lot more opportunities for the non-sleeping cells to spread their debasing practices and obscene devices throughout the population.

Deputies arrived and alerted the bomb squad, which used a robot to dismantle the object so a bomb technician could better examine it.

The north- and southbound lanes of I-75 were closed for about an hour between Alico Road and Colonial Boulevard. Traffic was blocked on Daniels Parkway at the overpass for an hour while the device was removed.

The robot and highway closures were necessary to avoid exposing the public to Teh Gay. This terribly infectious condition is known to cause really, really good sex:

"If you isolate sexuality as something solely for one's own personal amusement, and all you want is the most satisfying orgasm you can get-and that is what homosexuality seems to be-then homosexuality seems too powerful to resist. The evidence is that men do a better job on men and women on women, if all you are looking for is orgasm....It's pure sexuality. It's almost like pure heroin. It's such a rush."

That's "homosexuality expert" Paul Cameron. If anyone knows the heroin-like addiction of some hot butt love, it's "Dr." Cameron.

Lest you think it's only we fags perpetrating these attacks, I'll remind you that the dykes are part of it, too. The lesbian baby boom has allowed for the non-sleeping cells to blend into society, all the while spreading dirty missiles.

Alabama is, with the help of the 11th Circuit Court (pdf), leading the fight against the orgasm inducing weapons of self-abuse. Their efforts are bound to fail, though. Al-Gayda will be there, every step of the way. Dropping a dildo here, some lube there, or a safer-sex guide and some condoms somewhere else.

As Liza reminds us, May is National Masturbation Month. So, fuck the kittens. Send that terror level even higher!

Posted by in Body, Comedy, Culture War, Humor, Privacy, Queer, Sex, Sexual Politics
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