June 06, 2005

Butt-Fucking at Fenway
by Jeff Langstraat

Yesterday at Fenway Park we learned that Carson Kressley is not a pitcher. The Queer Eye for the Straight Guy gang was in town doing promotional work for tomorrow's season premier, in which the Fab Five make over--excuse me, make better--members of the Boston Red Sox. Yesterday, Jai sang the national anthem while Thom, Carson and Kyann "threw" out the first pitch.

While his throwing style ensures he'll never have a career on the diamond, some of the reactions from yesterday's game make it seem as though we learned about Kressley's pitcher/catcher status in the adult sense of the word. You'd think that he was on his knees on the pitcher's mound, being hammered from in front and behind by the bats of the Sox he just made over. Local Homohater Brian Cammenker was very fussy in yesterday's Boston Herald (Cammenker's ideological kin, the Phelps clan of Topeka, Kansas, was also in town yesterday.):

``The Red Sox have no business putting parents in this position,'' said Brian Camenker, a father of two and head of the anti-gay marriage group Article8.org. ``It angers me and it angers a lot of people that they're putting them in that position, just so they can properly celebrate Gay Pride Week. I don't want to have to do that. You don't go to the ballpark to have to talk about that stuff.''

Likewise, one of our local Helen Lovejoy's is reminding us all to think of the children:

``What would Ted Williams think? Would he turn over in his freezer?'' Mary Clossey, a Newton mom of eight who has been a critic of gay-rights efforts, said of the Sox' decision to let three stars of the TV show ``Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'' throw out tomorrow's ceremonial first pitch. ``I'm tired of hearing about (homosexuality). Sunday is a family day at Fenway Park. Why would you want to do that on a Sunday?''

Lemme get this, ahem, straight. Some celebreties doing publicity for a makeover show, one that sometimes gives decent tips and sometimes annoys like hell, throw out the first pitch at a game and it's automatically an assault on Massachusetts families? Okaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Oh, yeah, they're gay...openly, proudly, flambouyantly and fabulously gay. [Ed: Do you know how much pressure this puts on the rest of us to be fabulous all the time?!] While they're flirtatious on the show, it's nothing like the pornographic imagination of our country's professional Helen Lovejoys. You'd think Kevin Millar was getting the hot-wax-on-the-nipple treatment instead of a back waxing, that Johnny Damon was getting a manicure in order to go out fisting, and that Thom is putting a sling in every room he designs.

The objection is to "homosexuality" being put out in the open "like that." LIke what? Did someone find a glory hole in the bullpen? Let me know if they did!

It's not the presence of homosexuality they object to, it's the presence of homosexuals. This is made evident by the comments of a fan, as reported in the Boston Globe:

''To me it doesn't matter, but keep it to yourselves," Carbone, of Melrose, said after three ''Queer Eye" members lobbed the pitches to start the game. ''If I owned the Red Sox, I wouldn't have done it."

"Keep it to yourselves." Oh, how many times have we heard that. An emailer to our local Fox affiliate's morning show was even more clear: "I don't want my kids exposed to that, and that's my right." Exposed to what?

Their desire is a return to the days of the supreme closet, a time when homosexuality was stigmatized to the point where torture was accepted as a "cure," when the disclosure of queerness was subject to severe sanction, when the police openly harrassed and entrapped us. They'll deny this, of course...well, some of them will. What they'll say is that we should keep the gay stuff behind closed doors. I guess that means we shouldn't talk about what kind of fucking we did over the weekend. I'm cool with that. It's no one's business but mine, anyway...well, mine and the person I might have been with.

They say they want the sex behind closed doors, but to them my entire life is sex. That's what I'm reduced to. It's true, I'm only taking a brief break from the constant ass-ramming in order to post this. Then it's back to more booty-lovin'.

For those who'd ask me to go back into the closet, I'll post a poem by Pat Parker:

FOR THE STRAIGHT FOLKS WHO DON'T MIND GAYS BUT WISH THEY WEREN'T SO BLATANT

You know, some people got a lot of nerve.
Sometimes I don't believe the things I see and hear.

Have you met the woman who's shocked by two women kissing
and in the same breath, tells you she is pregnant? BUT gays,
shouldn't be so blatant.

Or this straight couple sits next to you in a movie and
you can't hear the dialogue because of the sound effects.
BUT gays shouldn't be so blatant.

And the woman in your office spends and entire lunch hour
talking about her new bikini drawers and how much
her husband likes them.
BUT gays shouldn't be so blatant.

Or the "hip" chick in your class rattling like a mile a minute
while you're trying to get stoned in the john, about the
camping trip she took with her musician boyfriend.
BUT gays shouldn't be so blatant.

You go in a public bathroom and all over the walls there's John
loves Mary, Janice digs Richard, Pepe loves Delores, etc., etc.
BUT gays shouldn't be so blatant.

Or your go to an amusement park and there's a tunnel of love
and pictures of straights painted on the front and grinning
couples are coming in and out.
BUT gays shouldn't be so blatant.

Fact is, blatant heterosexuals are all over the place.
Supermarkets, movies, on your job, in church, in books, on
television every day day and night, every place-even- in gay
bars and they want gay
men and woman to go and hide in the closet.

So to you straight folks I say, "Sure, I'll go if you go too"
BUT I'm polite so, after you.

A return to heterosexual supremacy is their desire. While going to the grocery store with his wife might be a fact of everyday life for Cammenker, a similar trip for the lesbian couple down the street is necessarily a trip in search of phallic vegetables (this is an anti-sex homophobic straight male's fantasy, after all). Our presence reminds them of hot, nasty, tastey, wet, intense, addictive homo-luvin.

The thought of Manny Ramirez throwing his legs in the air for David Ortiz doesn't freak these folks out solely because of the sex, though. Sports are for men (and of course, real men don't get penetrated, so that's part of why you can't have fudge packers at the ball park). Remember Mr. Carbone from above? He and his girlfriend had some issues at yesterday's game:

Carmen Carbone, 40, a copy machine technician, slumped in his seat and shook his head at the display. He said it exposed the team to unnecessary controversy -- and teasing. Last week, he said, Yankees fans razzed Red Sox fans relentlessly about the makeovers during a series in Yankee Stadium....

...His girlfriend, Karen Garofalo, nodded. ''I think all the other teams are laughing in our faces," said Garofalo, 41, a secretary from Revere.

Kressley had the gall to wear a pink Red Sox jersey. How unmanly. Oh, no...New York might tease us! How ever will we survive?! Drama queens.

OK, part of this is a particular Boston thing. The city is arrogant but also suffers from an inferiority complex regarding New York. I was disgusted during last year's World Series parade. The parade itself was wonderful (I was watching it on TV...in bed sick that weekend), but as the Sox-laden Duck Boats rolled through the city, fans kept chanting "Yankees suck!" Guys, you won; this isn't about the Yankees. Yankees fans weren't chanting "Nineteen-Eighteen" when they won. Hell, even Pats fans weren't running around chanting, "Fuck you, Parcells!" when they won. There's a certain Red Sox fan infantilism going on here. (Oh, am I going to catch hell for that.)

It's also about masculinity, though. Real men don't get fucked, and real men don't wear pink. Either of those things allows real men to make fun of the not-real men, the faggots. Maybe our Boston men are afraid of being made fun of for having a smaller endowment than their New York counterparts. I dunno.

Yesterday was family day at Fenway. It was also a kickoff event for Gay Pride Week in the Hub of the Universe. Here in the only state to have established marriage equality for queer folks it would probably be a pretty safe bet to say there were queer families at Fenway.

That equality is not ensured. A proposed constitutional amendment to take that right away and replace it with civil unions is still before the legislature. It passed last year by five votes. The political winds are blowing in our favor. However, if the amendment passes the legislature this fall, it will appear on the 2006 ballot. You can bet the hate groups will be pouring cash into Massachusetts if that happens. So, if you're feeling both celebratory and political this Pride season, please consider dropping a little cash in MassEquality's tin can.

Let's piss of some homohaters. It's Pride season! Rather than being forced back into the closets let's continue their destruction. Be out, loud, proud and fabulous....and have some great sex to really piss 'em off.

Posted by in Bio-Power, Body, Civil Rights, Culture War, Entertainment, Gay, Lesbian, Transgender, Gender, Marriage, Queer, Rights, Sex, Sexual Politics, Sports
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» Blatant heterosexuals from Pandagon
Jeff at Culture Kitchen posts this poem on the subject of gays and lesbians being "blatant" about their orientation, a common complaint amongst homophobes. (Let's all say it together: "I don't care what they do, as long as they aren't... [More...]

Found inJune 9, 2005 06:27 PM

Say it loud, say it proud!