June 29, 2005
Dating and the Class Divide
by Jeff Langstraat
I have a date tonight, first one in about eight months. I'm a little nervous, for both the regular reasons (Will I like him? Will he like me? Will we both sit there suffering in silence?) and another reason that feels even more prominent at the moment. He owns a business that has experienced tremendous growth in the past year. I'm a temp who beat the poverty-care line by $20 for an emergency room visit this winter (I did have insurance, though). There's a bit of a class difference here, and that's incredibly discomforting for me.
In part, that discomfort comes from what we can't do. To be honest, at this moment in life, I can't even afford to go out for a decent dinner, something I really, really enjoy. Right from the start, I have to place limits on what we're able to do.
He could, of course, pay for dinner if that's what we chose to do. But that, too, leaves me feeling uncomfortable. It's not that I don't like being treated, it's that I can't pay for dinner. The difference in ability to pay flows from disparate control over resources. In other words, he's got more power than I do.
But the power differential is only part of it. It's a subjective thing as well. A couple friends of mine are talking about buying houses. I'm wondering if I'll have enough to cover deposit on an apartment later this summer. Some of the daily concerns in our lives are very different. Buying a house is the furthest thing from my mind, indeed I doubt I'll ever be able to do it as I'm relying very heavily on loans to pay for my graduate education. I've got a mortgage worth and it scares the hell out of me.
It's this feeling of uncertainty (not yet desperation) that's so disquieting. Not having control over your life, not being able to do the things friends take for granted, worrying daily about whether or not to buy that extra soda...it can wear on you. There's a line in Michael Franti's song "Rock the Nation":
but do you feel me when I say I feel pain everyday
when I see the way my friends gotta slave
and never get ahead of bills they gotta pay
no way no way!
Franti's overall song describes a situation much more desperate than the one I find myself in. I'll get by, and I've got a future career (committee willing) that will allow me to do some of those things I so enjoy and can no longer afford to do. Others are far from that lucky. I feel weird writing about being poor, since I do teach college...I am a professional and I've got it a lot better than a lot of other people. I have worked as a Professor and have made a fairly decent living. Right now, I'm not. However, there are also a lot of folks in situations similar to mine, eking out a living, managing to tread water, keep a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs, to survive. That work can be tiring; treading water is exhausting. Do it long enough and your legs can give out, your head sink below the surface, and your lungs fill with water. It's easy to drown if no life preserver is ever thrown out.
I still remember the first (and only) time I flew business class (they'd forgotten to give me a seat assignment, so I got this one as the plane was boarding). I didn't know how to act. I didn't know the drinks were free when I was boarding (I did figure it out by dinner time), and that's why I refused them (who wants to pay for overpriced airline drinks?) It was great! I actually had enough leg room. And at the beginning, it was incredibly uncomfortable. I'm not "of" the people who usually sit up there, and I'm always aware of that.
More than anything, this post is about the little ways that this can enter our subjectivity. My feelings of not quite being able to pull ahead; of, yes, intimidation and inferiority with a potential date of means; the fact that I spent my elementary school years living in a trailer and cringe when I hear "trailer trash"; all these things are related. They flow, in part, from my own class-based experiences and they shape the ways I interact with people.
I'm not sure where this is going, to be honest. I'm just trying to play with this, to figure out the discomfort, to figure out what to do about it. And I hope it doesn't fuck up the date.
Addendum In the comments for this post at dKos, I brought up something I didn't discuss in the post itself, but I was thinking about (it seemed to complicate things too much), and that's the role of gender. I wonder how much my sense of masculinity has been shaped to tied being self-sufficient and not dependent on others, how I react to that power disparity. Something else to add to the mix.
Posted by in Class, Poverty
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Say it loud, say it proud!
thanks for writing about this.
i am college educated and consistently broke (ie professional leftist organizer) and my parents are first generation white collar workers.
and i tend to date working class people who make more money than me but are by no means rich. class is funny in that way-- some guys in the trades make really great money. I tend to date ones that make decent money. I've dated a fair share of equally broke activists too. The white collar people i date almost exclusively had working class parents.
dated a rich guy once and it was a big nightmare.
i wonder if this is because i grew up in one of those rare economically diverse communities.
anyway i've often wondered about why i trend this way...
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Comment by: lorraine at June 30, 2005 06:04 AM
The whole dating thing is so resonant for me. I have the exact same problem when I go out--men with a lot of money are attracted to me--doctors, lawyers--and I wind up going out on dates where the guy has more money than I'll make in my entire career. And yet, when he asks where we want to go for dinner, I'll always say, "Somewhere cheap." A gesture usually ensues--he'll pay for dinner. I used to chafe against that; it made me feel powerless and obligated, and only recently have I come to realize that my own class insecurities are the ones in the way. Sometimes, you do go out with someone who thinks that because they paid for dinner they're entitled to sex, but I don't
have time for those guys. If I want to have sex with someone, it's not because he bought me dinner. It's usually because there's something else going on that's making me hot for this guy, and it doesn't matter how much money he has.
One of the things I resent about the rich is how easy it is for them. They can casually discuss the decision to buy something or do something, where I literally do bargaining in my head. (If I buy this necessity, I won't pay the electric bill this month, and next month, the phone bill will have to wait.)
So, when I date someone with money, there's already resentment going on. I have to fight my prejudices in order to get past those things to like that person. In terms of power, though, I realize there are things that I have that a person with money may not necessarily possess (happiness, for one thing). But, my lack of money does not make me a lesser person. It simply makes me a person who doesn't have money. End of story. Everything else I attach to that is my crap--and I'm slowly beginning to realize that.
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Comment by: Jeff at June 30, 2005 07:16 AM
Lorraine,
This part of your comment describes last night:
One of the things I resent about the rich is how easy it is for them. They can casually discuss the decision to buy something or do something, where I literally do bargaining in my head.
Well, I don't know if I felt resentful, but things made obvious the differences in our lives. He was chatting about his skiboarding trips during the winter and about dropping a couple grand to redecorate part of his house (which he'd just renovated), while I was talking about not being able to afford to fly home for my annual Mom/Jeff day (museum and a Twins game).
My guess: No date #2. I wouldn't object to one, but I could tell he wasn't really digging me. C'est la vie.
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Comment by: lorraine at June 30, 2005 07:25 AM
You know, the thing I've discovered about dating men with money is how money becomes the symbol of their power/phallus/potency. Not ALL men are like this, of course, but the number of wealthy men I've dated who have to tell me all the things they've bought is astounding. As if buying something is supposed to be registering in my head as something else.
I'm sorry the date wasn't spectacular. There's something about the first date that can be so painful. You try not to have expectations; on the other hand, sometimes you think, "oh, this could be the one I'm going to spend some time with."
Maybe he'll call.
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Comment by: Jeff at June 30, 2005 12:01 PM
Yeah, I honestly hate first dates...I've only had one I'd really call great, the kind where conversation flows easily without awkward gaps...I doubt he'll call (hell, I've used the "call me" line and not really meant it...felt like that's where he was coming from), and that's ok. There are other options :)
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Comment by: gttim at July 1, 2005 10:14 AM
For a long time I dated women who made more money than me, but it would have been hard to meet anybody who made less than I did. Now, as I have embarked an a great career, and make good money, I find I date women who make more money than me. I am sure when I finish paying off my school loans next year, I will still end up dating women who make/have money than I do. But as my momma said, "It is just as easy to fall in love with a rich woman as a poor woman."
I hate first dates, and pretty much dating in general now. I would rather just meet somebody I click with and have it all fall into place. I would also like world peace. I don't think either is going to happen.
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Comment by: SadieB at July 2, 2005 09:35 PM
Don't you remember that line from the Psychedelic Furs song, "Pretty in Pink, "She doesn't have anything you'd want to steal, well, nothing you can touch?"
My story is similar to yours, we lived in a trailer. I won a scholarship to a fancy college and began moving in different circles but never really got used to it. Anyway, one thing I learned about rich people is they have their own hang-ups. They envy us sometimes.
Often they feel like they don't measure up to their ancestors, the ones who made the money they're living off of. The decent ones generally feel guilty about their money, too, or at least conflicted. And sometimes they have trust issues because they are raised by mercenaries -- nannies, boarding schools. They don't expect anyone to love them for anything but their money, because no one ever has. So they use the money thing as both sword and shield, to protect them from being hurt. The good thing about being poor is, you always know someone loves you for yourself, because that's all you've got!
I don't know if this helps or not, but mainly I wanted to thank you for your post because you don't get to hear a lot of working-class voices on the internet.
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Comment by: Charles A. L. at July 3, 2005 03:49 AM
Other fish, etc.
I have a perspective on this from the other side, sort of. My girlfriend is worried my parents will look down on her -- although she hasn't expressed a worry that I'm swiving the help or whatever and will abandon her for a more socioeconomically suitable woman when one comes along (which I won't, of course).
Anyway, there are things I'm uncomfortable mentioning around her, anything that would highlight the differences in our backgrounds. I don't know if I would call it guilt, but it may be a little of what Sadie B. was talking about, the fear that she'll only love me for my (access to) wealth.
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Comment by: our gal in brooklyn at June 30, 2005 02:14 AM