Ted Stevens bridge to nowhere

Last week I published my diagnosis of Ted Stevens, whose clinical depression makes him unfit to stand trial. Well, luckily, it looks like some people listened to my words of wisdom and heeded my call to help, not punish, Ted. Earlier this week, When President Bush visited the Eielson Air Force Base in Alaska to speak to soldiers, W made sure to invite Stevens. Aware of the Senator's fragile state, the President showered Stevens with praise: "the United States military has had no better supporter and stronger friend than Sen. Ted Stevens." Some have criticized Bush for inviting Stevens in spite of his indictment. In all fairness, the Bush administration is used to having criminals in their midst, and if they had to change plans every time someone was accused of a crime, they would never get anything done.

But Bush isn't the only person joining me in offering Ted the support he needs. Stevens held a rally for himself at his own campaign headquarters. Stevens' mental instability has in no way affected his ability to rock out; the senator, who wore a flight jacket, brown corduroy pants and Masai Balance platform sneakers, arrived at the rally behind a convoy of leather-clad motorcyclists. Once again, Ted showed clear delusional behavior as he expressed both his innocence, and his confidence in being re-elected: "The primary is the goal right now. Help me win that primary and help me be the candidate for the Republican Party. September will take care of itself." His depression has subsided and his manic phase has begun: the spirited senator told his fans "Let me tell you my spirits are high..."

But bikers and presidents can't keep Ted's spirits high on their own! So here are 5 ways you can help Ted Stevens!

1. Have your own rally, with or without bikers: Make sure you follow the rally organizers' lead and keep the event on the DL. Don't publicize the rally or you'll have to deal with anti-Stevens protesters. A confrontation may be just the thing to drive Ted off the edge and/ or provoke an outbreak of his multiple personality disorder, in which Ted assumes the form and personality of his hero The Hulk.

2. Send Hulk gifts: Since Stevens continues to identify with the Hulk, (classic identification disorder/ multiple personality disorder) send Ted some Hulk ties, because you can never have too many. We know Ted likes to wear the ties for good luck, and he'll need clean ties and lot's of good luck for his trial. Feel free to send Hulk toys as well, to give Ted the strength that he'll need. They also provide for great street cred, in case Ted ends up in jail.

3. Send donations towards the Ted-mobile: I'm working on a hummer covered in polar bear fur which Ted will drive around Alaska as he claims his innocence and gathers support.

4. Send gas donations: Because this Ted-mobile is a real gas-guzzler.

5. Send a get well soon card: You can email them through a series of tubes or send them through snail mail. Send Ted cards of sympathy, for the death of his bill, which he still mourns, as well as cards of encouragement, support, and appreciation.