satire

ZOOOOOOOOOOOMG!

I have been waiting for this documentary since I saw Morgan Spurlock at SXSW last year, when he was there presenting What Would Jesus Buy?, a documentary about Reverend Billy & The Church of Stop Shopping's crusade against conspicuous consumption.

This from Apple.com's trailer park :

If Morgan Spurlock has learned anything from over 30 years of movie-watching, it’s that if the world needs saving, it’s best done by one lone man willing to face danger head on to take it down, action hero style. So, with no military experience, knowledge or expertise, he sets off to do what the CIA, FBI and countless bounty hunters have failed to do: find the world’s most wanted man. Why take on such a seemingly impossible mission? Simple-he wants to make the world safe for his soon to be born child. But before he finds Osama bin Laden, he first needs to learn where he came from, what makes him tick, and most importantly, what exactly created bin Laden to begin with.

As usual, the Onionettes write a flawless piece of satire about pop culture, in this case the unchanged aspect of Obama's Change phenomenon:

"I saw him walk in and I knew he was headed straight for our table," said mother of three Gladys Davies. "He just stood there smiling at us for a while, and asked how our food tasted. Then he went and did the same thing at the next table over. The nerve of some people."

Those who encountered the black man Tuesday said he engaged in erratic behavior, including pointing at random people in the crowd and desperately saying he needs their help, going up to complete strangers and hugging them, and angrily claiming that he is not looking for just a little bit of change, but rather a great deal of change, and that he wants it "right now."

"I'll be honest, when that black guy said he would 'stop at nothing' to get change, it kind of scared me," local mechanic Phil Nighbert said. "Just leave me alone.

The whole thing, Black Guy Asks Nation For Change ... priceless.

Oh.

My.

Blog.

This man is so full of win, I just can't stand it!

LOVE HIM!

A look at how the Democratic Party defines democracy. LOL!

THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY is now training firefighters to inspect your home and your behavior when you are visited by them, even for emergency purposes! According to FOX "News," aside from blueprints, chemicals, flight manuals, and bomb-making books, one of the things they are going to be on the lookout for is "hostility to Americans."

So! Word to the wise. Make sure you are only nasty to fireman without green cards. Maybe you can suss this out with some small talk at the hydrant. But even if not, if one day your kitchen explodes and your roof is on fire and you happen to be talking, yelling, or otherwise communicating with the brave men who are lugging their hoses into your driveway, it's probably best to sprinkle a few pleasant words about the country and the government in there while you're at it. You know, like right after you scream "my cousin is trapped in the attic!" just drop in a "God bless America!' or something. Just slide it right in there. "HELP! We want to keep on living in the USA! Help us!" Something casual. Something that clears you right away. Because the last thing your cousin needs is for the firemen to get caught up rooting through your junk drawer on their way upstairs.

Blind righteousness is not a monopoly of conservatives or even right-wing extremists. There are plenty of mostly liberals (with maybe a progressive or two) who are so self-absorbed in their alleged leftiness they not only think they can never do wrong, but they truly believe their shit smells like roses.

Hence, the birth of the demotard.

I am not the first to use the term, and I hope I wont be the last either. Yet, I will claim to be the creator of not only it's etymological reference, but of the awards to go with it.

Aren't they special?

DEMOTARD
ETYMOLOGY
Neologism created by mashing up the words Democrat and retard.

PRONUNCIATION
deh. moh.tahrd
/ˈdeːmo:tɑrd/

Bush Administration Announces New Consumer Feature

Beginning in June 2007, American cell-phones will ring when idle and fall silent when a call comes through, said a Federal Trade Commission spokesman in an advanced announcement. In an executive order published last week in the Federal Register, the White House said the change "gives phone customers the right to pay only for the services they want, like making the constant ringing stop."

"Idle cellphones will be much easier to find when the ringers are used consistently," said Brad Hanging-Chad, a 2006 Bob Jones University graduate who is now awaiting Senate confirmation as the Chairman of the Federal Trade Commission.

"Most customers are expected to be happy with the reverse ring-silence modality, but those who prefer the traditional ring-when-called mode can now purchase that value added service for just $6.99 and up per month," said Mr. Hanging-Chad, who did not return reporters' phone calls about his stock in several wireless telephone carriers.

Although regulations to be implemented in 2012 will require phone companies to offer the "no ring" function for "a reasonable fee", customers can call this number or this number now to report charges that seem excessive.

GATHER ROUND, inquisitors of the Brown™, and peep the lingual Mexicon that I will now throw down. Brush off the seat, stretch out ya feet, and gobble los Googly lecciónes of Ask Nezua número three.

1. We kick off our newest Mex-Ed class with a question that surely is on everyone's mind these days.

Dear Nezua: Why is it important to learn about other people's beliefs and attitudes?

Oh. Whoops. I think that just made me an enemy of the state according to those freethinking folks who run Concerned Women for America. When they’re not out trying to get bloggers fired or arguing that no, really, they would never endorse a candidate, they seem to spend an awful lot of time thinking about women’s hoohaws. Their cunts. Their pussies. Their vaginas. (See? That’s how you’re supposed to use those words—to refer to that place of pleasure that women have between their legs.)

So, there’s this group of candidates who are throwing the word “transformation” around. And, then there’s this dire warning about a girl’s transformation zone. The transformation zone, is, of course, a precious thing that all unmarried girls are warned to keep safe from the wandering fingers or tongues or cocks of randy boys. But what’s a girl to do if she really wants to date a candidate who offers her dreams of transformational leadership? Do I have to be married in order to vote? If I’m a virgin, am I excluded from considering these dashing candidates with their naughty talk?