Ted Stevens

Last week I published my diagnosis of Ted Stevens, whose clinical depression makes him unfit to stand trial. Well, luckily, it looks like some people listened to my words of wisdom and heeded my call to help, not punish, Ted. Earlier this week, When President Bush visited the Eielson Air Force Base in Alaska to speak to soldiers, W made sure to invite Stevens. Aware of the Senator's fragile state, the President showered Stevens with praise: "the United States military has had no better supporter and stronger friend than Sen. Ted Stevens." Some have criticized Bush for inviting Stevens in spite of his indictment. In all fairness, the Bush administration is used to having criminals in their midst, and if they had to change plans every time someone was accused of a crime, they would never get anything done.

But Bush isn't the only person joining me in offering Ted the support he needs. Stevens held a rally for himself at his own campaign headquarters. Stevens' mental instability has in no way affected his ability to rock out; the senator, who wore a flight jacket, brown corduroy pants and Masai Balance platform sneakers, arrived at the rally behind a convoy of leather-clad motorcyclists. Once again, Ted showed clear delusional behavior as he expressed both his innocence, and his confidence in being re-elected: "The primary is the goal right now. Help me win that primary and help me be the candidate for the Republican Party. September will take care of itself." His depression has subsided and his manic phase has begun: the spirited senator told his fans "Let me tell you my spirits are high..."

But bikers and presidents can't keep Ted's spirits high on their own! So here are 5 ways you can help Ted Stevens!

1. Have your own rally, with or without bikers: Make sure you follow the rally organizers' lead and keep the event on the DL. Don't publicize the rally or you'll have to deal with anti-Stevens protesters. A confrontation may be just the thing to drive Ted off the edge and/ or provoke an outbreak of his multiple personality disorder, in which Ted assumes the form and personality of his hero The Hulk.

2. Send Hulk gifts: Since Stevens continues to identify with the Hulk, (classic identification disorder/ multiple personality disorder) send Ted some Hulk ties, because you can never have too many. We know Ted likes to wear the ties for good luck, and he'll need clean ties and lot's of good luck for his trial. Feel free to send Hulk toys as well, to give Ted the strength that he'll need. They also provide for great street cred, in case Ted ends up in jail.

3. Send donations towards the Ted-mobile: I'm working on a hummer covered in polar bear fur which Ted will drive around Alaska as he claims his innocence and gathers support.

4. Send gas donations: Because this Ted-mobile is a real gas-guzzler.

5. Send a get well soon card: You can email them through a series of tubes or send them through snail mail. Send Ted cards of sympathy, for the death of his bill, which he still mourns, as well as cards of encouragement, support, and appreciation.

Ted Stevens, the senator facing indictments on seven counts of criminal charges, is clearly unfit to stand trial, due to the clinical depression he admits to suffering from. Perhaps Stevens' earliest sign of psychopathology was in 1997 when he diagnosed himself as a mean miserable son of a bitch. Ted's 28 years of tirelessly protecting the American people from the polar bears who hate us for our freedoms, by defending our right to drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, has taken a toll on the senator.

Stevens first exhibited signs of post-arctic depression, when the senate voted against his bill to open ANWAR up to more drilling. A candid Stevens said "I'm really depressed. As a matter of fact, I'm seriously--I'm seriously depressed. Unfortunately, clinically depressed. I've been told that because I've just been at this too long."

In a textbook fashion, the rejection, combined with Stevens' sense of failure, triggered this late on-set octogenarian depression. The symptoms returned after Stevens lost yet another battle in his uphill fight against endangered species and wildlife. The then 83-year-old Senator exclaimed: "This is the saddest day of my life." The trauma was so acute it apparently rivaled the pain he suffered after his wife's death in a tragic plane crash did. It seems Stevens achieved a sense of closure after confronting the cause of his wife's death, Senator Mike Gravel (D-AK). In the group therapy that is the U.S. Senate, Stevens shared "I don't want to get personal about it...but I think if that bill [which was being blocked by Gravel] had passed, I might have a wife sitting at home when I get home tonight, too." But unlike the vote that condemned his wife to death, the vote against drilling freedom was too much for Stevens to bear. In a classic cry for help, Stevens threatened to take his own political life: "It's a day I don't want to remember. I say goodbye to the Senate tonight. Thank you very much."

Stevens then manifested signs of manic depression as he swung out of a state of the blues and into a state of the green. Exhibiting signs of displacement, transference and delusion, Stevens identified with the character of the Hulk. He Personified the fictitious character, would wear his signature great Hulk tie on days of important votes. Stevens remained in the senate where he got "pumped up" and warned his pro-polar opponents, "You bet your bottom dollar I'll remember [this vote]. If I ever give my word, I keep it. I'm mad enough to eat nails right now, to have people not keep their word to me. I'm going to go to every one of your states, and I'm going to tell them what you've done. This was wrong." Stevens' awareness that he was engaged in a battle between bear and oil, good and bad, right and wrong renewed his sense of purpose, but also triggered his bipolar condition and delusions of mobility, political sway, and brute force. The final demonstration of his instability was wearing a white wig and competing in the third-annual Crafters Smackdown.

Ironically, this prosecution of the mentally ill is something Ted would support if in his right mind. But, I speak for the sane when I say that Stevens deserves treatment, not incarceration.

Katie Halper('s father) is a psychiatrist in New York City (M.D. Columbia University)

I have written about Ted Stevens before, and this will mostly serve to remind you of what I have already written about. But the news is that the first indictments are coming through. Ted Stevens has been served with seven indictments for false statements. I say the first because it is clear that these first seven indictments are only the tip of the iceburg. Ted Stevens is going down!

I have reported many times about how the Republican Parties in Ohio, Missouri and Kentucky were about the most corrupt political establishments in America. One that I have been missing is the Alaska Republican Party. I think it is time I turn northward to discuss what is going on in Alaska.

At the epicenter of Alaska corruption seems to be the Alaska oil services company Veco Corp. Veco, until its recent buyout, was an oil pipeline service and construction company. Perhaps Veco would like to be best known for the fact that it carried out a great deal of the clean up efforts after the Exxon Valdez oil spill. But this is not the only thing they were known for. They were known for illegal influence on Republican politicians.

In 2006 the FBI served some 20 search warrants on the offices of six Alaska state legislators: Sen. John Cowdery (R-Anchorage), Senate President Ben Stevens (R-Anchorage) (son of US Senator Ted Stevens), Rep. Vic Kohring (R-Wasilla), Rep. Bruce Weyhrauch (R-Juneau), Sen Don Olson (D-Nome), and Rep. Pete Kott (R-Eagle River). Also named in the search warrants were VECO officers Bill Allen, Rick Smith and Pete Leathard.