I went to see Brokeback Mountain in Harvard Square last night. This thing is a phenomenon. I bought my ticket on Fandango earlier in the week, mainly to make sure it didn't sell out before I got to the box office. When I arrived at 9:00 for a 9:30 show, I had to go to the back of a couple hundred person line of people with tickets. People who live in the the Harvard Square area would walk up to people in line and ask, "What's everyone here to see? I've never seen any lines like this here before." It took 20 minutes to get inside (and it was a chilly evening). The wait was sooooooooooooooo worth it.

When I got home last night, I tossed off a quick note to a bunch of people, encouraging them to go to the film and trying to convey how affecting it is. The thing was, I couldn't really intellectualize what I was thinking about the film, I could just explain the emotional effect it had. I had to take a diphenhydramine in order to fall asleep. My soul still aches. (Hell, I started crying while writing this.) Brokeback Mountain is a painful film. It feels kind of weird to be telling people, "Go to this movie. It will cause you to feel pain," but that's exactly what I'm saying.

By now, I'm sure everyone knows the basic plot. At the center of the film is the relationship between Ennis Del Mar (Heath Ledger) and Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhall) as it develops over a nearly twenty-year period. They meet and fall in love while working for a sheep rancher, and continue the affair (as both of them marry and have kids) with semi-regular "fishing trips," the whole time Twist suggesting (painfully asking for) a more permanent relationship and Del Mar refusing.

It's Del Mar's inability to give of himself that is really central to this film. Yes, the relationship with Twist is the primary way we see this, but it's also in his other romantic relationships, and his relationship with his daughters. Here is a man so deeply affected by loss (though you wouldn't gather it from his demeanor) that he is unable to open himself to others. Not only does this inability to be truly in a relationship (of any kind) not protect him from pain, it costs him those relationships. Del Mar is a man who feels deeply without showing anyone what or how deeply he's feeling. Ledger's brilliant performance allows us in on it, though.

Del Mar's distance within all of his relationships affect the others in those relationships (well, duh). What the film brilliantly explores is how his relationship with Twist radiates out into their other relationships. They are both miserable in their marriages (for varying reasons), and their misery (and their relationship) cause pain to the others they have relationships with. The scene where Jack and Ennis reunite after a four-year abscence is riveting not only because it shows the passion these two men have for each other, but also how that passion affects Del Mar's wife. No one is happy on Brokeback Mountain, and it seems that no one connected to Ennis Del Mar's life is happy.

It is only through great loss that Del Mar finally learns to start giving of himself in his significant relationships. That loss is, of course, the relationship with Twist, and the last confrontation between the two of them is absolutely crushing. Although your can tell by the end that Del Mar was transformed (what kind of drama would it be without some kind of transformation), the loss and pain make that transformation, well, unsettling.

Others will have different takes on this film, concentrate on different themes. As I sit with it longer, think about it, I'll probably see the film differently. But, for right now, this story won't let go of me. I cannot remember the last time I was so emotionally affected by a film. I've started crying a couple times while writing this. It hurts. But, it's a hurt I need to sit with.

Again, it feels really weird to say, "Go see this. It's great! It'll cause you pain." But, that's exactly what I'm saying. It's worth it.